Taking Direction

Quai D’Orsay, Journée du Patrimoine 2016

“No I don’t think about my audience when I write…When I teach writing to students, I tell them not to think about the people who are going to read, especially who they know, because you’re going to censor yourself….The self that writes is very different than the self that speaks…and so when I’m inhabiting that self that writes it’s also the self that dreams..it’s a very deeply closed place. When I’m creating and I wish this happened more often…it can feel like being transported-characters take on life. I don’t realize how much time has passed. So in writing fiction I really don’t think about who is going to read it…I hope that people will read it but I don’t think specifically of who I read it because if I did, I would censor myself. “  – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie at Quai D’Orsay, Paris during Nuit des Idées, January 2018.

Note: I drafted this post up months ago and while it will be published now in August and I still feel very much the same as I do now.

There are many parts of her talk that spoke to me. But this part is what stayed with me…writing for oneself.

Plenty of people have asked me to restart a blog. And admittedly I have lots of ideas about privilege, expat life, learning languages, minimalism, feminism, race relations, travel etc.

But I have hesitated on the direction of this blog because of all the things I want to talk about…I think first and foremost, I want this space to be somewhere where I can process my emotions.  I used to have a livejournal as a pre-teen and although that period of my life felt traumatic (middle school years anywhere is rough), I felt much more centered because I had a safe space to express my emotions.

In the rush of moving on to a competitive high school, a rigorous university and then just life post-undergrad, I somehow abandoned my habit to write. I started up again in South Korea but not to share my happy memories but to help process some very low points in my life. However, I reminiscence of my time there as a very happy  if not a transformative chapter in my life.

Then I transitioned back to France as a grad student which I felt like it’s been a battle ever since. My parents are always optimistic about my life path but as an empath, I’ve really come to understand and in some ways respect France’s affinity for pessimism . And it’s really hard to persevere when you hit expat depression and the favorite word in your adopted country is ‘non’.

Source: Cleverism

I was in the seriously anxiety induced like state for at least April 2016 to early 2017. And yet some of amazing things happened: I met my significant other, I got to spend my first summer in Paris, I somehow miraculously finished my first year of grad school so things weren’t all too bad.

However now, I feel like I’m somewhere between the experiment/decision scenario. I took a new turn in my path to finish my degree but putting a pause on it in order to pursue an internship. And I never felt happier about my decision.

I’ll be starting up another blog in September with a friend which will allow me to explore more serious topics and expat life. It’s why I had great difficulty starting up this one, because while I wanted to talk mainly about capsule wardrobe dressing and how it has evolved it’s been hard when I have all these other things I want to talk about. But with the new blog, I’ll have that space as well as a sounding board in my blog. So this leaves this blog to have a more analytic look about my vanity.;-)

Not to say that is blog won’t be somewhat serious, I do really want to explore the notion of identity and how it affects our choices about our appearances. I have lots of thoughts about that. But my current brainstorming includes at least 40 blog ideas so I’m hoping that I can keep my momentum.

So please stay tuned while I’ll finally do a REAL reboot of this blog. : -)


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